I do believe that things are a bit too different for me to function right now. I’ve never been one to take too kindly to change especially something as important as Marley, it’s taking a bit of getting used to. Every day I make a plan and do what I can to stick by it as well as try to not let too many outside items get in the way. Sometimes life throws a curb ball and this time it threw a rather large truck filled with shit.
Working remote allows me the ability to function at my own pace and schedule, it also allowed me to spend time with Marley everyday. Now since Sunday I cannot look over to see her wrestling with the couch or playing with her many toys while growling at the air. The days no longer reach the super busy spots while Marley is looking at me saying “hurry up fucker I have to poop”. The mornings are no longer met by an 12 pound munchkin pouncing on me to say get out of bed, things are way too different for me now.
It’s not as if a piece of furniture has moved, it’s not like we changed brands of dish detergents; Marley was and is a huge part of our lives and this change is very hard to overlook.
It took years for me to be able to function in a normal day to day routine. I’ve extremely high functioning though if something isn’t in it’s proper spot or things don’t happen as scheduled my whole day gets stuck in a loop while my brains tries to fix it. When something would fall out of place before Marley was in our lives, I’d spend hours playing Solitaire matches over and over and over or I’d freeze up and not be able to speak for hours. Now it’s as if my brain has broken and my heart is torn in half.
Annika is the one and only piece in my life that can hold me together from this point. We always pick around talking about how much her and Marley kept me sane and how if they weren’t around how I’d be; well without Marley I can certainly see we weren’t wrong at what we were picking about.
Annika is my rock and my everything, cycling is my mental and physical stability to help keep my mind clear and working. I’ve just got to get myself back into the swing of things soon so that some sort of normalization can take place to allow me to move forward while still holding onto the memories of Marley without exploding emotionally each day.
Right now I’m stuck in a loop and without the loop I might not be able to hold on. The downside to being in this loop is it is hard to make decisions and it is hard to be around other people, this makes it hard to go for a bike ride. It’s times like this that I’d usually find a good TV Show or couple of movies to lock my mind away or play continuous rounds of Overwatch or World of Warcraft fishing trips. Yesterday I played continuous rounds of Overwatch, Arcade, Quick Play and bot matches. During those matches some parts of my daily routine got removed and some of the tools that I’d typically use I had to drop.
I do know that maybe this article doesn’t make sense to some of you, in some ways it may only make sense to me; I just really felt that it was better to put it here so that it stays as a marker to move forward from.
I know today that I may do some indoor cycling on Peloton, quite possibly I may do a little Zwift or RGT Cycling (Road Grand Tours). I’m not certain if I’m able to go for an adventure cycling ride outside today or not, I do think it is better for me to wait and do this with Annika first when our schedules match up on Monday. Maybe I should just take a few days to try and unwind with nothing to complicate things. Either way, today is another day without my awesome dog (Marley) in it, I am gonna try to get through it.
Hugs and many thanks to all of our supporters here on our website and Patreon. I believe today would be better for me if I kicked back with Lilith and Annika to some movies, and gaming; maybe the whole weekend. Have an epic adventure day, I will return tomorrow with an update.